I am not in me, someone is in Control

Rajib Roy
9 min readJan 22, 2022


Drives, perceptions, Ego consciousness, the unconscious, experience, spirits and personalities are connected with one another.

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I am not trying to bewilder my readers with this type of perplex beginning. Let me simplify it. The 14 year old me is so different from the 23 year old me. The 14 year old me loves playing cricket and still loves it. The 14 year old me used to be in a disciplinary boundary. That state gave him balance and peace. The external environment which was his school forced him to become discipline. He had everything on time. He has deep zeal for English language, I love painting and listening to old Bollywood songs. He has these aptitude, but his perception about the world back then forced him to conceal them. He thought that asserting those activity to people would make him sound egotistical. So let me act humble, but in my mind I thought I am the king of this world. Basically I fooled myself in believing something like that. I have suppressed my activity by thinking how people would accept me. I became shackled by that perception. I continued playing Cricket, but I lost touch with painting.

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Kaizen Me(College years): I had a girlfriend, I lost her but found me. I had a girlfriend not when I was 14. At that time I was 20, I became close to her. I had a perception that I will just shoot my charming skills and nothing else. This was my Kaizen approach towards dating. The Japanese phrase Kaizen means continuous improvement. I used it not just because Toyota became successful with this approach. I had my own selfish needs to be honest. The idea of continuous improvement was less attractive to me than the prospect of getting good validation. I was not in a state of committing to a serious long term relationship. I am confident that I can do anything, this was my mental state. Honestly, I do not really know what I was doing back then. Maybe attention from the opposite sex gives my ego a boost, a dopamine boost. This behavior of me made her interested and enticed. She gave me a hand band which says “Interesting” as well. All things was new and fresh to me. I naturally become close and stopped using the skills. I became so close that my real self came out and the casual me withered itself. After three years of closeness, we parted. After leaving her, I felt good and bad at the same time. I felt peace and that disconnection with her made me connected with my real self. I thought that having a girlfriend makes things easier and happy. I lost touch with my realities as my reality was encompassed with her. She was a chatterbox. She was very positive but her non stop talking was pretty annoying. At that time, I did not regard that behavior as annoying. I used to fool myself into thinking that everything about my girl is damn beautiful and otherworldly. I was in a dependent kind of state, a dependency of happiness. My happiness was soles dependent on her. English literature made me this romantic. No, sorry I am inherently romantic.

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I am this type of person and not that type of person is a bullshit concept that people battered themselves with so often. Every part of me is a little me, not only one part is the whole book. Kaizen towards dating “Me”, is me. I can be anything. I can take one mask and pull off the other. Every mask is me.

Confident Risk Taker Me: I take responsibility on my shoulder and finish giving my exams all by myself, kind of me. I look in the eye of fear and beat it. Extroverted and an eloquent person whose speech is like a sharp knife. I the confident risk taker me is a carefree person. A person who can charm any girl. Me, whose confidence is very intimidating. As I have stated before that this part of me is careless, casual and cool, he is less cautious about making mistakes. He is a rebel. He is smart and fast. This part wants to take full control over me. Let me explain. For example, I am doing my masters in English literature and all my books are giving me extreme peace and a sense of poise and solidity to my soul. I find my reality in it, my real self. My drive towards touching my books and reading it has a perception as well. Those perceptions includes

  • “I want to be established as an educated man for myself’’,
  • “This time is a time where I can invest on myself, so let me invest on something from where I can get a return, let me think about relationships later because that is external and can make me dependent”,
  • “I do not regard myself as financially worthy although I earn a good amount of money, but I believe that I can earn more.”
  • “Due to this insufficient feeling, I have stopped meeting with attractive people”
  • “Due to this insufficient feeling, I am concealing my best parts towards a potential mate”
  • “I want to experience what education and knowledge can give me and the true meaning of it”,
  • “My Grandfather and Father always wanted me to become good in my academic pursuits, so I want to carry that responsibility, I do not want to let that part go from me”,
  • “I believe that part is closely attached with me, my childhood”.

Okay so these are my thoughts and my perceptions that I have made up because I regard them as authentic. All these perceptions are spirits. One spirit is my own spirit or my own soul, His hunger towards reaching the highest potential. He, that spirit does not let me free from it, he wants to possess me for a long time. He does not let me experience the other sides of life. Whenever, a friend call me for hangout, I decline the offer as I am obliged to something higher than just passing my time unintentionally. Another is my unconscious spirit, “Regardless of the unidimensionality and autonomous drive and lonely feelings, I focus on it”. Hence, This part have strong control over me.

Dilly Dally Wishy Washy Me: This part of me has a high intellectual capacity, He is introverted, critical thinker, pessimistic thinker, moralistic, comfort seeking. He is also wary analysts who view the concepts and people with various angles. This self is very quiet, he thinks too much and do less. He thinks he must focus on his career and build himself a better person and wants to reach to his highest potential in a thinking approach. This part of me is very fastidious and halts more often while completing a task. Meaning he does not complete the task with a swift demeanor as he thinks he might make a mistake. Hence, it can be stated that this part is a perfectionist. This part also wants to take full control over me and do not let me to experience the Confident risk taker me.

Internalization and Externalization

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Work from home job scenario, a scenario everyone is familiar with. Less interactive and boring right ? So after 10 long months of battle with my computer, I got a chance to finally go to the office. I have made really good friendships out there. I got attached with a girl, she attached to me as well. Pretty common story? what is so new about it?

During the time when I really enjoyed going to the office, I have noticed that my focus, my peace with myself has become dependent on whether she would come to the office or not. Every meaning has just centralized around her. However, the real feeling of joy comes when you become free, I was not free. I was conscious about my own skin, my behaviors and so on. I really had no job after my office hours, so wasted my quality times with her. I was kind of earning money and spending it kind of a state. I had no meaning, I have just lost somewhere in a pleasure island. I forgot who I am. I was in a illusion where I make myself convinced that I am happy because I am with a girl. Hence, the college perception is still with me. That spirit has not left me yet. The zeal that I had with her was undoubtedly unadulterated and hot, but it was too extreme and toxic. My external perception about reality is not and should not be conceptualized by the idea of getting someone, not totally at least. Partly it is common. My internal aspiration that is connected to my aim has really a role in formulating my external, objective reality. Hence, a little closeness and a little dissociation is necessary.

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My Ed, which is my unconscious aspect, drives me to do things that are necessary for my psychological well being and thus I must admit to what is happening inside of me. Things that happen inside of me are biological needs, physical needs. The aforementioned points that I have stated are my ego consciousness, what I regard as right. What I think or regard myself as “This is the only me”, the other parts are irrelevant. Ego consciousness is rational but the unconscious drives of sex is irrational. It is a force that just wants that thing immediately. Hence, this part directs itself autonomously towards one direction only. It does not communicate with the perceptions that I have stated above. This motivation of sex has other concepts, perception and his own life. This part wants to take full control over me. My super ego which is my social self often tries to hide the sexual instincts, vile and immoral thoughts. The first point that I have discussed is a method of internalization where I have a control, where I have my peace and my integrity. The sexual need part is the externalization where I become dependent on the validation, acceptance and support from the external source. This is necessary as well. External source means a mate to whom I can share things, to whom I can communicate. This is necessary. The externalization element is also my real part I regard because in this part I talk spontaneously. However, this externalization part is something that can make people sad. If you do not have any routine, and the weather of today is cloudy, you become lazy and will never do anything. You would never lift your ass from your bed right? yes same happens with me. But this external environment can partly impact my mood since the day before I have planned to do 3 sets of alternative dumble curl. So, I have made a strong frame that can hardly be affected by external reality. This externalization has the humorist factor involved as well. This part of me is witty and funny. He makes jokes that others find extremely funny. I talk with everyone, I talk great with my parents as well. Hence, both these two parts, internalization and externalization are key developmental factors of human well being. To what extent you want to exercise it is totally up to you. Through only externalization, you would not get your life sorted. Since, your internal development does not come solely from socializing, you need your truths intact. You need your career, you need your life with your family. On the other hand, through internalization, You get enough financial support in the long run but be careful of not getting too focused on that alone. My inner view about my own life is necessary because it is something related to my aim, aspiration and beliefs. You can not improve yourself just by condemning your past situations. You get better by knowing that your past experience is just an accumulation of your perceptions about the world. The perceptions were little bit uncanny and stupid. That is why the situation turned like that. So, your perceptions about the world shape your reality. So, have a great mind that aim high and not settle and hold back for things that are low.



Rajib Roy

I am a writer who likes to write about personal experiences, Business, Psychology and Fashion.