I have all the power within me and I do not need to be dependent on abstract knowledge anymore, I am Free !
I carried a heavy baggage for years that was not even mine. I carried a baggage of intellect, rationality and I have come to a point where I no longer find My “me” in that pursuit. Instead I was detached and ignorant about my own creative spur, vigour, individuality. It is better to put it in a phenomenological manner that I was not paying attention to what my instincts or body were saying to me. I am a very very ambitious person and competitive in many senses. I have the fire inside me that always says “let me see if I can do it or not, for me” and I really love the feeling when that thing challenges me, tears me apart and then I complete it. So maybe that inherent conscientious nature compels me consciously and unconsciously to find the fulfillment in ideas. I did not find the fulfillment though and then I realized that I used to copy paste ideas of others and sub communicated that those ideas are mine, puffing my chest out. Those endeavor towards speaking smart things actually boosted my ego. I also tried to be smart around those whom I like which is fine but overdoing it led me to feel weird sensations, frustrations. As if those ideas secured me and when my ideas were challenged, I became angry. Therefore, girls do not always get closer through only smartness. During my exams, I had specific goals for me and there were not any single person involved for whom I did that. Those were the times I felt immense stability, peace and authoritative confidence within me. Moreover, I was literally happy and free because I was dedicated to get good results. Hence, the truth, challenge and responsibility of completing each chapters made me happy. I had a specific direction as well which made me happy. I was consuming facts for a cause that was important for my education and for my future. After the completion of exams, I used to enjoy some days with my friends for recreation and relaxation. Sadly, dwelling in a complete work less environment, I again become inclined to ideas, knowledge and so on. But it was for my own growth and for my own urge to do something meaningful rather than doing nothing or spending hours binge watching on social media. The mistake in that willingness to devour ideas was that I had no specific goals for doing that. I just consumed them in a washy washy way, may be to fill the gaps in me and may be for boosting my ego. My field of individual subjective experiences, my vocations, my voice was basically choked by ideas because I became so reliant on them. Then I think of myself as this and that, and one day I questioned am I actually the thing that I think myself as? Then I used to pay attention to my thoughts, I figured out most of them did not give me congruence. Therefore, people of my age had smoking habits and I had idea habits. I used to chase ideas, no no I used to smoke ideas to fill something that is already complete. I used to think that it is necessary to think every time about something great. Well that was my kind of addiction. Over the course of such laborious realization, I have found out that it is not necessary to think all the time about something. A mind without thoughts is impossible so meditation is great as a start. There is also no burdens involves with saying rational things all the time. Well of-course we have a brain and we are bound to think everything rationally but overdoing it can certainly dissociate you from your functional relationship with your body. Overcrowded thoughts and ideas are nothing but garbage and the effort it requires to pick the right ones, is quite difficult. One it confuses you, and two it shackles one’s legs to move forward because it is loaded with many ideas that the mind can not stop thinking about. As a consequence, my thoughts are not reflected into action. At the same time, most of the thoughts come from the unconscious, we do not create them. Sometimes, the unconscious thoughts are important and some of them are not. So if that intellect has a certain aim of where it is going then it is fine. For example, if you speak about anything random with your friends or with family members, and you speak a lot of words in the middle of a sentence, then your verbal intellect will flourish. Verbal intellects which can be considered as the vocabulary or the ability to remember five synonyms of one word. But those who do not have verbal intellect, or any intellectual wealth then?
Let your real You come forward triumphantly
without spices, I do not like to eat food and I am certain that all are like that. So It is not necessary for you to act intelligent with others. Dry facts are just facts that has no emotions but can get you good grades so you better assert it where it is required. There is no burden. I am free, I am free from ideas now and I do not need its support to justify who I am as a person. I can sound boring, silent, stupid without it because I have come to know my own spice. It is my own truth, my “Me”. I do not need to know whether I will sound smart or not because speaking is a part of implicit memory. I do not have the conscious control of how it is that I know how to talk great things all the time. At least through good engagements, I am able to listen to others and their ideas with compassion and interest. Being able to connect with strangers in a fun and friendly manner has become my real thing now. Being practical, making good friends, spending time with family and creating great experience is an integral part of being itself. I will never remember Newtons third law when die, because I am just familiar with the idea abstractly. I have many positive influences in my life such as Rahul Dravid, Sigmund Freud, Sourav Ganguly, Bruce Lee, Kobe Bryant, Carl Gustav Jung and many more. I have not seen them in person so the amount of influence they had on me is abstract and no way closer to that of my family. Because I have not experienced them in person in my reality. I have not seen God either but have seen his glimmer in the eyes of my father, mother, grandfather and grandmother. When I close my eyes in front of a abstracted version of God, I see no God, I see my family, smiling.